Love Island Australia

Sophie kicks off tonight’s proceedings by showing us a soft porn montage of our contestants overlaid with a soundtrack of early 2000’s ringtones… just in case you’ve been wondering how that crazy frog’s been going. Basically the girls show up in their best stripper combos (bikini and heels for the uninitiated) and wait for the male contestants to show up and choose them as a partner, based purely on their appearance. #feminism

It’s the second morning in our Love Island mansion and Hurricane Kim has left a path of destruction in her wake. Last night the bikini model bounced into the house in a whirl of hair extensions, fake tan and excessively white teeth - the likes of which we haven’t seen since Britney’s Las Vegas residency. Fortunately for us Kim is a flirty kind of gal, systematically going through each and every guy to decide which one will be her safest bet. It’s pretty darn easy when she has the ability to turn each of them into a blubbering pool of drool. The best Justin can come up with is ‘what’s your favourite colour?’ (Green) and ‘do you remember how oranges used to make your fingers smell?’ (Seriously what the hell?)

The girls and boys are realising that the next coupling is fast approaching, and it’s sent the islanders into a flurry of pacts and flirting, analysing every conversation with each other. It was all reminiscent of the pre-PE anxiety brought on when the teacher told you to pair up in primary school.